 |
| Click on the picture for a larger view. |
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Like Wiping Your Ass With...
Companies are stupid. Scotties has a new toilet paper called Cashmere. Because that's what I'm thinking about when I'm scraping shit from between my ass cheeks; textiles. Here's an ad which I've changed slightly to better help them get their stupid (companies and corporations think we're fucking dumb, don't they?) message across:
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
3 Worst Songs of 2010
I don't consider myself a music snob but rather very specific regarding the music I like and dislike. I may not enjoy the majority of top 40 music but I can appreciate a well-crafted pop song. Take Katy Perry for instance; in no way would her music be mistaken for genius but her songs are catchy, easy to sing along with and texturally colourful, all which factor into her success. Her large boobs help as well.
But, music snob or not, I also consider myself a pretty good judge of what is good musically. Even lame pop songs sometimes have merit, as proven by Booby McBoob up there, and I'm not afraid to admit it. There is nothing that grates on me more, though, than a shitty song that becomes popular. It's like everyone else is deafened by aural stupidity.
I judged these songs on three criteria: Performance - the work done by the singer or singers, ie. their voices. Music - The melodies and texture of the song. And Lyrics - The chorus and verses of the song. Without further introduction I present to you The 3 Worst Songs of 2010.
Performance: I feel sorry for anyone that's been duped by Rihanna. This talentless hack has pulled a fast one over the music industry and the public. Her nasally voice completely lacks any range whatsoever and her stupid haircuts scream attention whore. "Pay attention to my wacky hair and not my singing voice!" Rihanna is proof one what a marketing and publicity team can do for your career. I can't juggle worth shit but if I had Jay-Z telling everyone I was an awesome juggler and featuring me juggling in his videos I guarantee I'd be the most famous juggler that ever lived. People cite her singing of the chorus as beautiful and affecting -- no. She sounds like shit. Compare her voice to Joni Mitchell's or Janis Joplin's or Sarah McLachlan's and tell me she still has a good voice.
Rihanna isn't the only one in this travesty of course. Eminem brings his typical angry white boy from the suburbs act to the song. The only people who are still fooled by Eminem are the diehard fans as everyone else can easily see that he is just a scared little boy with esteem issues. He talks a tough game but he's the kind of guy that would shut his mouth real quick if he were ever actually challenged by someone. He's been using this schtick since he first debuted and it worked back then; he needed to get an edge into a market monopolized by black people, and being a skinny white kid he couldn't simply rely on his rap skills alone. I don't deny the dude has got some lyrical and rapping skills, he totally does, but he's still doing the same act what, ten years later? Give it up man, you're almost 40. Look at Snoop Dogg. He doesn't rap about gang banging anymore, he makes club banging hip hop love songs and shit. Eminem is still rapping about killing women and hating gay people.
Music: It's a hip hop beat. Nothing spectacular. It's not like Dr. Dre produced it or anything, otherwise it would easily be the best part of the song.
Lyrics: While not as lyrically garbage as the other songs on this list 'Love The Way You Lie' is still rife with stupidity thanks to Eminem's manufactured anger. He's typically a good lyricist but what happened here?
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
From what I gather the song is about a fighting a couple. Eminem, of course, plays the overly violent man because he's so angry and strong and stuff. What he's suggesting here in this lyric is that he's so angry with his woman that during a fight he throws her out the window. Awesome. And I guess that's why they call it window pane/pain. See it's a play on words. How clever. How fucking stupid. I don't know if pain would be enough to describe what any woman would be feeling if she were thrown out of a window by her partner. This lyric right here completely turns what would have been just another forgetable top 40 hip hop song into a shit pile. I'll say it again; Eminem is typically a good lyricist, but he jumped the shark big time with this one. Add that together with Rihanna's god awful singing and Eminem's tired and boring angry tough guy persona, and you have a completely shit song and one of the worst of the year.
Performance: This girl isn't a bad singer. She has some chops and can hit the notes but all in all her voice isn't anything special. She sounds like any other random caucasion female singer. If you watch an audition episode of American Idol you're likely to hear at least five people who can sing as well or better than her. The problem with this song isn't necessarily the girl's voice.
Music: Mellow, sombre piano; a staple of musical ballads since the invention of the instrument. The music is nothing special, actually it's quite boring, but with with some decent lyrics it could make for a passable song. And that brings me to...
Lyrics: This is where this song becomes one of the Worst Songs of 2010. Here's the chorus:
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
These lyrics take the fucking cake for utter nonsense. Collecting your jar of hearts? Get real. You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul? The story of this song is that this girl had her heart broken by a womanizing asshole and now he's asking to get back together, and the worst thing she can think of to say to him is that he's going to catch a cold? Because his soul is icy? Give me a fucking break. The lyrics reek of bad 7th grade poetry. Being that she's 24-year old songwriter I have to come to the conclusion that Christina Perri is only 12-years old mentally.
Performance: The singer does a sort of talk-singing rap to begin the song. These guys are so white my semen looks clear in comparison. The lead singer's voice is nasally and sharp and starts to grind against your brain in about 1.3 seconds. Probably the worst vocal performance of 2010, and that's including the vocals in William Hung's morning shower.
Music: Typical boring pop-rock melody. Nothing to really complain about here, aside from the usual top 40 lack of creativity.
Lyrics: Oh dear. I'm going to break down the first verse bit by bit, let's hope I don't put a gun to my head before I finish:
While everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
Aside from how it's sung (or spoken or wailed or whatever the fuck) this part actually makes sense and sets up what could be an interesting story.
I’m not in it to win it
In what? His bed? To win what? So he's not in his bed to win something? Most people use their beds for sleeping, having sex and if you're me, spilling Coca-Cola. I don't know anyone that gets into bed expecting to win something but whatever, let's move on.
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it
Okay, what? A thousand ways you can skin what? The fact that he's in his bed? Or not in his bed to win something? The song has barely begun and I'm so confused I might kill myself.
My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Some sort of allegory for the way his life hasn't been moving the way he wishes perhaps? I suppose this could make sense if any of the lines preceding it had been about, well, anything.
Remember Winger
Where the fuck did that come from?
I digress
Oh I see, his train of though got sidetracked. At least he brought attention to it I guess.
I confess you are the best thing in my life
Right, okay, this is a love song, I get it now... Kind of. Everything about this verse is nonsense. Even the stuff that makes some sense, like going to bed when most people are waking up, loses any sense it had when the following lines suddenly reference 80s hair metal bands and some sort of skinning contest...? Wait, this verse continues? Oh Christ,
But I’m afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There’s no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me
Who the fuck is Henry Lee? Is he referring to Sir Henry Lee of Ditchley, Master of the Ordnance and Queen's Champion under Elizabeth I of England? Maj. Gen. Henry Lee III, early American military and political figure? What the fuck is this guy talking about? I've got to stop here but trust me, the lyrics don't get any better in the second verse and the chorus is schlocky pop radio love bullshit with no sense of creativity or talent or even understanding of what the fuck love even is. Not only is this the worst of 2010 it's quite possibly the worst song of this millenium. Next year, if I do another worst songs list, I highly doubt the number one song will be worse than this one. If you are a fan of Train you should be shot. The band should be shot along with you.
So there you go. I expect to get flak for my inclusion of 'Love The Way You Lie' because of how big of a hit it has been and how so many people have been fooled by that scam artist Rihanna but let me know if you agree, disagree or if I made a glaring omission.
And as a special bonus I'll include my ultimate guilty pleasure song of 2010, the inclusion of which might possibly discredit anything I've written in this entire post:
 | ||
| What was I talking about again? |
I judged these songs on three criteria: Performance - the work done by the singer or singers, ie. their voices. Music - The melodies and texture of the song. And Lyrics - The chorus and verses of the song. Without further introduction I present to you The 3 Worst Songs of 2010.
3.
Eminem feat. Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie
Performance: I feel sorry for anyone that's been duped by Rihanna. This talentless hack has pulled a fast one over the music industry and the public. Her nasally voice completely lacks any range whatsoever and her stupid haircuts scream attention whore. "Pay attention to my wacky hair and not my singing voice!" Rihanna is proof one what a marketing and publicity team can do for your career. I can't juggle worth shit but if I had Jay-Z telling everyone I was an awesome juggler and featuring me juggling in his videos I guarantee I'd be the most famous juggler that ever lived. People cite her singing of the chorus as beautiful and affecting -- no. She sounds like shit. Compare her voice to Joni Mitchell's or Janis Joplin's or Sarah McLachlan's and tell me she still has a good voice.
Rihanna isn't the only one in this travesty of course. Eminem brings his typical angry white boy from the suburbs act to the song. The only people who are still fooled by Eminem are the diehard fans as everyone else can easily see that he is just a scared little boy with esteem issues. He talks a tough game but he's the kind of guy that would shut his mouth real quick if he were ever actually challenged by someone. He's been using this schtick since he first debuted and it worked back then; he needed to get an edge into a market monopolized by black people, and being a skinny white kid he couldn't simply rely on his rap skills alone. I don't deny the dude has got some lyrical and rapping skills, he totally does, but he's still doing the same act what, ten years later? Give it up man, you're almost 40. Look at Snoop Dogg. He doesn't rap about gang banging anymore, he makes club banging hip hop love songs and shit. Eminem is still rapping about killing women and hating gay people.
Music: It's a hip hop beat. Nothing spectacular. It's not like Dr. Dre produced it or anything, otherwise it would easily be the best part of the song.
Lyrics: While not as lyrically garbage as the other songs on this list 'Love The Way You Lie' is still rife with stupidity thanks to Eminem's manufactured anger. He's typically a good lyricist but what happened here?
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
From what I gather the song is about a fighting a couple. Eminem, of course, plays the overly violent man because he's so angry and strong and stuff. What he's suggesting here in this lyric is that he's so angry with his woman that during a fight he throws her out the window. Awesome. And I guess that's why they call it window pane/pain. See it's a play on words. How clever. How fucking stupid. I don't know if pain would be enough to describe what any woman would be feeling if she were thrown out of a window by her partner. This lyric right here completely turns what would have been just another forgetable top 40 hip hop song into a shit pile. I'll say it again; Eminem is typically a good lyricist, but he jumped the shark big time with this one. Add that together with Rihanna's god awful singing and Eminem's tired and boring angry tough guy persona, and you have a completely shit song and one of the worst of the year.
2.
Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
Performance: This girl isn't a bad singer. She has some chops and can hit the notes but all in all her voice isn't anything special. She sounds like any other random caucasion female singer. If you watch an audition episode of American Idol you're likely to hear at least five people who can sing as well or better than her. The problem with this song isn't necessarily the girl's voice.
Music: Mellow, sombre piano; a staple of musical ballads since the invention of the instrument. The music is nothing special, actually it's quite boring, but with with some decent lyrics it could make for a passable song. And that brings me to...
Lyrics: This is where this song becomes one of the Worst Songs of 2010. Here's the chorus:
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
These lyrics take the fucking cake for utter nonsense. Collecting your jar of hearts? Get real. You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul? The story of this song is that this girl had her heart broken by a womanizing asshole and now he's asking to get back together, and the worst thing she can think of to say to him is that he's going to catch a cold? Because his soul is icy? Give me a fucking break. The lyrics reek of bad 7th grade poetry. Being that she's 24-year old songwriter I have to come to the conclusion that Christina Perri is only 12-years old mentally.
1.
Train - If It's Love
 | |||||
| Pictured: The man who makes better music than Train. |
Lyrics: Oh dear. I'm going to break down the first verse bit by bit, let's hope I don't put a gun to my head before I finish:
While everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
Aside from how it's sung (or spoken or wailed or whatever the fuck) this part actually makes sense and sets up what could be an interesting story.
I’m not in it to win it
In what? His bed? To win what? So he's not in his bed to win something? Most people use their beds for sleeping, having sex and if you're me, spilling Coca-Cola. I don't know anyone that gets into bed expecting to win something but whatever, let's move on.
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it
Okay, what? A thousand ways you can skin what? The fact that he's in his bed? Or not in his bed to win something? The song has barely begun and I'm so confused I might kill myself.
My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Some sort of allegory for the way his life hasn't been moving the way he wishes perhaps? I suppose this could make sense if any of the lines preceding it had been about, well, anything.
Remember Winger
Where the fuck did that come from?
I digress
Oh I see, his train of though got sidetracked. At least he brought attention to it I guess.
I confess you are the best thing in my life
Right, okay, this is a love song, I get it now... Kind of. Everything about this verse is nonsense. Even the stuff that makes some sense, like going to bed when most people are waking up, loses any sense it had when the following lines suddenly reference 80s hair metal bands and some sort of skinning contest...? Wait, this verse continues? Oh Christ,
But I’m afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There’s no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me
Who the fuck is Henry Lee? Is he referring to Sir Henry Lee of Ditchley, Master of the Ordnance and Queen's Champion under Elizabeth I of England? Maj. Gen. Henry Lee III, early American military and political figure? What the fuck is this guy talking about? I've got to stop here but trust me, the lyrics don't get any better in the second verse and the chorus is schlocky pop radio love bullshit with no sense of creativity or talent or even understanding of what the fuck love even is. Not only is this the worst of 2010 it's quite possibly the worst song of this millenium. Next year, if I do another worst songs list, I highly doubt the number one song will be worse than this one. If you are a fan of Train you should be shot. The band should be shot along with you.
So there you go. I expect to get flak for my inclusion of 'Love The Way You Lie' because of how big of a hit it has been and how so many people have been fooled by that scam artist Rihanna but let me know if you agree, disagree or if I made a glaring omission.
And as a special bonus I'll include my ultimate guilty pleasure song of 2010, the inclusion of which might possibly discredit anything I've written in this entire post:
Yes, I actually like this song. Insult me in the comments section.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)