I ventured into the new Vancouver Canucks Team Store on Robson Street recently because, hey, I'm a Canucks sucker fan. I thought maybe I'd be able to purchase some sweet new gear for a decent price, like a cool player name t-shirt, or maybe some fancy fridge magnets or something. I'm a sucker for paraphernalia, what can I say? Upon entering the store I was greeted by this man:
Such a happy fellow.
I should have known better expecting anything inexpensive (or at least fair) price-wise but I had hope. Those hopes were dashed rather quickly when I looked at the tag for a t-shirt. It wasn't an overly fancy t-shirt; it had the old "Skate" logo and some edgy designs and shit on it, but it didn't look like it was made with golden thread or anything. $45 said the price tag. "It must be sewn together using the hair from maidens of virtue true," I thought to myself. Checking out a few more items and yep, all inflated prices. There were some inexpensive t-shirts, but of course they were plain fabric with a plain logo, no creativity. Like the kind of clothing items you get free in a case of beer.
What a load of horseshit! While I don't agree, I can understand the inflation of prices for merchandise in the arena. You've got the poor saps in the doors now if they want gear they'll have to bend to your greedy whim. Makes sense. But arena prices at an outlet? Do I at least get a reach around with my third-world-made piece of fabric?
The problem in Vancouver is most of the idiot fans would buy a piece of dog shit if it had an official Canucks logo printed on it (stamped into it?). And that's why the prices are so high. Tickets to pre-season games bottomed out at $60. $60 to sit in the nose bleeds and watch Aaron Volpatti lead the charge on the first line?! Fuck you!
Anyway, I decided to write a radio spot for the Vancouver Team Store, an ad that's a little more honest than the ones currently on the air:
The Super Nintendo Entertainment System is 20 years old today. I'm an old fucking man. Jesus Christ. 20 years ago the SNES came out, when I was 10 going on 11 and now I'm... 20 going on 21. Crazy. Here now are my favourite SNES games EVAR.
9. Mega Man X
BEW! BEW!
Mega Man 2 for the NES is one of my favourite games of all time but there's no denying how beautiful the Blue Bomber looks in glorious 16-bit. There's a reason why the newest Mega Man game has been made in a 'retro' 16-bit style.
8. TMNT: Turtles in Time
Turtle Power!
Side scrolling fighting games are nothing new, even back in 1992 when this game came out for the SNES. A year earlier it showed up in arcades (remember those?) and I played the shit out of it. Right now I'd like to thank my mom and dad for giving me my allowance in quarters. I was a huge Turtles fan as a kid and I remember being amazed at having an arcade game in my own fucking house on my own fucking TV. I probably didn't use the world 'fuck' so much when I was a kid though. FUCKING NINJA TURTLES! This remains the greatest TMNT game of all time. If you argue I'll shove a sai up your butthole.
7. F-Zero
That speedy yellow and blue piece of shit.
The best racing game on the SNES and one of the best and most fun racing games of all time. Never before on a home gaming system had anyone experienced something so fast and furious
and not since have I ever had as much fun playing a racing game.
6. Final Fantasy III
Lord of the Rings would have been so much better with Mechs.
Final Fantasy on the NES was an RPG revelation to me but the added graphical firepower and the usual compelling (if not convoluted) story on the SNES was something else entirely. Final Fantasy III took everything part II on the SNES had and made it even better. Remember save points in games? There were many times playing this game when I wasn't near a save point and had to stop playing, so I simply paused the game and turned off the TV. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to come back to play for an entire day. Marathon World of Warcraft sessions doesn't make you a hardcore gamer. Pausing your game and going outside to ride a bike or play street hockey for 5 hours and then coming back to resume your game, that makes you a hardcore gamer.
5. Street Fighter II: Turbo
Hadouken and shit. Word.
Street Fighter II (the original) coming to the SNES was a life changing moment. The game was never available at the local video store, for obvious reasons, but I had finally got it on reserve. When the call came that the game was in the store and I could pick it up I dropped everything and ran my little ass up the hill to Champlain Video and finally got to have my day with it. So why is Turbo on this list instead of the OG? New characters and playable bosses. 'Nuff said.
4. NHL '94
"I'm the Kings!" "Awwww, shit."
NHL '94 added the NHL license (NHLPA '93, the predecessor, only had a license to use player names, no team names were in the game), added one-timers, shots breaking the glass behind the net, team-specific organ songs and the shootout as a game mode. The controls were so good you can still choose to use NHL '94 controls as an option in today's EA hockey games. This game was the fucking tits. I don't know how many hours I spent in Chris Narduzzi's basement, trash talking the fuck out of each other and literally standing and cheering every time one of us scored a goal on the other.
3. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Oh shit! Bunnies!
This is the greatest Zelda game ever. Fuck all you Gamecube fanboys and your Ocarina of Time or whatever the crap. The graphics were simple and beautiful. The game play was simple yet exhilarating. And the story, with the parallel dark world, was compelling as shit. I was never a huge Zelda fan, and I'm still not, but this is one of the most iconic console games ever created. And most importantly, one of the most fun.
2. Super Mario World
I wish I was half as athletic as a fat, Italian plumber.
Super Mario Bros. on the NES is undoubtedly one of the greatest video games of all time.
"Of all time!"
But Super Mario World changed gaming forever.
Super Mario World came packaged with the SNES and upon first popping it in you were amazed at the bright, wonderful colours. The original game was on an 8-bit system and was limited in its graphical capabilities, with only a few muted colours. When Super Mario World came out with it's vast colour scheme and bright, beautiful graphics it caused everyone who first experienced it to almost have a heart attack (*citation need). This was the future of gaming. This was a child's imagination come to life, on a TV screen. The best part about this game is you can still go back today, 20 years later, and lose hours playing and playing. Try it drunk! Everything's better when you're drunk!
1. Chrono Trigger
The pinnacle of RPGs.
13 unique endings. Depending on choices you made during your game and when you complete the final battle, you would receive 1 of 13 unique game endings. This blew my 15-year old mind. I think I only saw 3 or 4 of the 13 endings but that didn't matter. Getting there mattered. Chrono Trigger's main story device was time travel and you visited 7 different eras of the game world's history, acquiring allies and completing quests in all of them. The battle sequences were fun and exciting and the leveling up, a staple in RPG gameplay, seemed important and not just a gimmicky device. Best of all, after you beat the game you could play through again, as your full-powered leveled up characters, to try and achieve the other endings. Chrono Trigger took up so much of my time it's probably one of the main reasons I didn't lose my virginity sooner than I did. Who needed girls when you had a Super Nintendo anyway?
I don't want to get ahead of myself or anything but I decided to make a fun little picture. It's probably one of the worst Photoshop jobs I've done in a long time but I'm a little drunk and I don't care.
I also made another Snooty British Shark picture just for shits and giggles:
I'm trying to start a new internet meme in the vein of Philosoraptor and Courage Wolf. It's called Snooty British Shark. He's snooty. Here's the first one I made. Tell your friends, let's get this thing going.
Here's a version without text so you can make your own!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the middle of March and I'm just posting my favourite albums of 2010. I had a bit of a tough time coming up with the order of this list which is why it's taken me so long. Also, I'm a lazy procrastinator. I've rated these albums based on my enjoyment and how many times I've listened to them. The numbers are essentially arbitrary as the top 3 or 4 could easily slot into the number one spot at any given moment but that's why I've given a fair bit amount of weight to how often I listened to each album. The more listens, the higher ranking basically.
9. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
If there's one thing I want from a band I really love it's that they get better with each album. Arcade Fire have done that, releasing their most complete album yet. This isn't a record of singles, it's one meant to be taken as a whole. Much like Pink Floyd's The Wall I see The Suburbs as one long song, separated into multiple tracks. Listening to a single song it's hard to see how good this album is but when you hear it from start to finish its brilliance is apparent.
Favourite Song: The entire album as one
8. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Before Today
I'd been hearing about Ariel Pink for about a year before this album came out but I never bothered to check the music out. That was stupid. If you're a fan of bland, simple-formula music not only will you not like Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti, you simply won't get it either. It's not like it's difficult or tough to get into or anything, it's just kind of out there. It's lo-fi, high-creative. Awesome stuff.
Favourite Song: Fright Night
7. Die Antwoord - $O$
Is it all an act? Yes, most likely. Characters, acting, whatever you want to call it, the act is brilliant. They can rap too, so that helps. Ninja and Yolandi put on an act that is completely fucked up, insane, wacky, silly, childish and most importantly, entertaining. I saw them in concert in 2010 and it was the most surreal and strange concert experience I've ever had. And I enjoyed the shit out of myself. Die Antwoord first blew up on the internet when their video for Enter The Ninja went viral. They used the internet to their advantage in crafting their image and popularity and put out a badass hip hop album. You can have your L'il Waynes and Eminems, I'll take outside the box creativity any day of the week.
Best Song: Evil Boy
6. Black Keys - Brothers
The follow up to 2009's Attack & Release is not as good. Let's get that out of the way first. Despite that it's still a killer album. The Black Keys are refining their sound and are getting a solid mainstream following in the process. That's pretty amazing for a rock n' blues two-piece in this day and age of glitter, glam and over production. The Black Keys rock, plain and simple.
Best Song: Tighten Up
5. Ramona Falls - Intuit
This one sneaked up on me late in the year. I checked this disc out randomly, with no knowledge whatsoever of the band and it floored me. It's deep, it's mellow, it's melodic and it's memorable. It's headphone music. Put this album on your headphones when out in public and the world around you melts away. Ramona Falls are one of my top bands to keep my eye on in the near future.
Best Song: Melectric
4. Beach House - Teen Dream
Victoria Legrand's voice is angelic. The musical textures throughout invoke pure happiness. I love this album. Love.
Best Song: Silver Soul
3. Vampire Weekend - Contra
Both Vampire Weekend albums get regular plays in my eardrums. This is a case of a band exploding onto the scene with a brilliant album and then following it up with something equally artistic and enjoyable. There has bee no sophomore slump with these guys, crafting upbeat, happy, poppy and catchy rock tunes. All with a smile and a smirk. This is party music. This is dance music.
Best Song: Cousins
2. The National - High Violet
The National make sad music. That's not to say their music isn't enjoyable, it is, it's just sombre as fuck. Thing is they are so talented at crafting beautiful songs that you can't help but want to keep listening. Bullshit "romantic" music like James Blunt has nothing on this stuff. You listen and you feel things, and that's what the best music does; it makes you feel. The National make you want to keep feeling.
Best Song: Little Faith
1. Yeasayer - Odd Blood
This has been my favourite album of the year for the entire year. It came out early in 2010 and remained my favourite all the way through. It's fun and catchy and inventive and just goddamn enjoyable from start to finish. This album begs for you to turn it up and sing along. I love that. That kind of music has always been tops for me. Yeasayer make the kind of music that captures my imagination and makes me fantasize about being a rockstar.
Phil Collinssays he is retiring from music.The sixty-year-old pop singer says it's a good time for him to stop, saying, "I don't think anyone's going to miss me."
Collins noted that his physical ailments from a lifetime of drumming—including hearing problems, a dislocated vertebra and nerve damage in his hands—have contributed to his decision and noted, "I look at the MTV Music Awards and I think: 'I can't be in the same business as this.' I don't really belong to that world and I don't think anyone's going to miss me. I'm much happier just to write myself out of the script entirely. I'll go on a mysterious biking holiday and never return. That would be a great way to end the story, wouldn't it?"
Yes Phil, yes it would.Please leave.
In The Air Tonight, yeah sure, it's a decent song but that's all he's got. Don't give me any bullshit about Sussudio, that song sucks. Genesis is better with Peter Gabriel at the helm. Of course there will always be Phil's catalog of music being played in movies and on radio until the end of time but the prospect of there not being anymore new music from the ugly old bastard is such good news.
Companies are stupid. Scotties has a new toilet paper called Cashmere. Because that's what I'm thinking about when I'm scraping shit from between my ass cheeks; textiles. Here's an ad which I've changed slightly to better help them get their stupid (companies and corporations think we're fucking dumb, don't they?) message across:
I don't consider myself a music snob but rather very specific regarding the music I like and dislike. I may not enjoy the majority of top 40 music but I can appreciate a well-crafted pop song. Take Katy Perry for instance; in no way would her music be mistaken for genius but her songs are catchy, easy to sing along with and texturally colourful, all which factor into her success. Her large boobs help as well.
What was I talking about again?
But, music snob or not, I also consider myself a pretty good judge of what is good musically. Even lame pop songs sometimes have merit, as proven by Booby McBoob up there, and I'm not afraid to admit it. There is nothing that grates on me more, though, than a shitty song that becomes popular. It's like everyone else is deafened by aural stupidity.
I judged these songs on three criteria: Performance - the work done by the singer or singers, ie. their voices. Music - The melodies and texture of the song. And Lyrics - The chorus and verses of the song. Without further introduction I present to you The 3 Worst Songs of 2010.
3.
Eminem feat. Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie
Performance: I feel sorry for anyone that's been duped by Rihanna. This talentless hack has pulled a fast one over the music industry and the public. Her nasally voice completely lacks any range whatsoever and her stupid haircuts scream attention whore. "Pay attention to my wacky hair and not my singing voice!" Rihanna is proof one what a marketing and publicity team can do for your career. I can't juggle worth shit but if I had Jay-Z telling everyone I was an awesome juggler and featuring me juggling in his videos I guarantee I'd be the most famous juggler that ever lived. People cite her singing of the chorus as beautiful and affecting -- no. She sounds like shit. Compare her voice to Joni Mitchell's or Janis Joplin's or Sarah McLachlan's and tell me she still has a good voice.
Rihanna isn't the only one in this travesty of course. Eminem brings his typical angry white boy from the suburbs act to the song. The only people who are still fooled by Eminem are the diehard fans as everyone else can easily see that he is just a scared little boy with esteem issues. He talks a tough game but he's the kind of guy that would shut his mouth real quick if he were ever actually challenged by someone. He's been using this schtick since he first debuted and it worked back then; he needed to get an edge into a market monopolized by black people, and being a skinny white kid he couldn't simply rely on his rap skills alone. I don't deny the dude has got some lyrical and rapping skills, he totally does, but he's still doing the same act what, ten years later? Give it up man, you're almost 40. Look at Snoop Dogg. He doesn't rap about gang banging anymore, he makes club banging hip hop love songs and shit. Eminem is still rapping about killing women and hating gay people.
Music: It's a hip hop beat. Nothing spectacular. It's not like Dr. Dre produced it or anything, otherwise it would easily be the best part of the song.
Lyrics: While not as lyrically garbage as the other songs on this list 'Love The Way You Lie' is still rife with stupidity thanks to Eminem's manufactured anger. He's typically a good lyricist but what happened here?
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
From what I gather the song is about a fighting a couple. Eminem, of course, plays the overly violent man because he's so angry and strong and stuff. What he's suggesting here in this lyric is that he's so angry with his woman that during a fight he throws her out the window. Awesome. And I guess that's why they call it window pane/pain. See it's a play on words. How clever. How fucking stupid. I don't know if pain would be enough to describe what any woman would be feeling if she were thrown out of a window by her partner. This lyric right here completely turns what would have been just another forgetable top 40 hip hop song into a shit pile. I'll say it again; Eminem is typically a good lyricist, but he jumped the shark big time with this one. Add that together with Rihanna's god awful singing and Eminem's tired and boring angry tough guy persona, and you have a completely shit song and one of the worst of the year.
2.
Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
Performance: This girl isn't a bad singer. She has some chops and can hit the notes but all in all her voice isn't anything special. She sounds like any other random caucasion female singer. If you watch an audition episode of American Idol you're likely to hear at least five people who can sing as well or better than her. The problem with this song isn't necessarily the girl's voice.
Music: Mellow, sombre piano; a staple of musical ballads since the invention of the instrument. The music is nothing special, actually it's quite boring, but with with some decent lyrics it could make for a passable song. And that brings me to...
Lyrics: This is where this song becomes one of the Worst Songs of 2010. Here's the chorus:
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
These lyrics take the fucking cake for utter nonsense. Collecting your jar of hearts? Get real. You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul? The story of this song is that this girl had her heart broken by a womanizing asshole and now he's asking to get back together, and the worst thing she can think of to say to him is that he's going to catch a cold? Because his soul is icy? Give me a fucking break. The lyrics reek of bad 7th grade poetry. Being that she's 24-year old songwriter I have to come to the conclusion that Christina Perri is only 12-years old mentally.
1.
Train - If It's Love
Performance: The singer does a sort of talk-singing rap to begin the song. These guys are so white my semen looks clear in comparison. The lead singer's voice is nasally and sharp and starts to grind against your brain in about 1.3 seconds. Probably the worst vocal performance of 2010, and that's including the vocals in William Hung's morning shower.
Pictured: The man who makes better music than Train.
Music: Typical boring pop-rock melody. Nothing to really complain about here, aside from the usual top 40 lack of creativity.
Lyrics: Oh dear. I'm going to break down the first verse bit by bit, let's hope I don't put a gun to my head before I finish:
While everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
Aside from how it's sung (or spoken or wailed or whatever the fuck) this part actually makes sense and sets up what could be an interesting story.
I’m not in it to win it
In what? His bed? To win what? So he's not in his bed to win something? Most people use their beds for sleeping, having sex and if you're me, spilling Coca-Cola. I don't know anyone that gets into bed expecting to win something but whatever, let's move on.
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it
Okay, what? A thousand ways you can skin what? The fact that he's in his bed? Or not in his bed to win something? The song has barely begun and I'm so confused I might kill myself.
My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Some sort of allegory for the way his life hasn't been moving the way he wishes perhaps? I suppose this could make sense if any of the lines preceding it had been about, well, anything.
Remember Winger
Where the fuck did that come from?
I digress
Oh I see, his train of though got sidetracked. At least he brought attention to it I guess.
I confess you are the best thing in my life
Right, okay, this is a love song, I get it now... Kind of. Everything about this verse is nonsense. Even the stuff that makes some sense, like going to bed when most people are waking up, loses any sense it had when the following lines suddenly reference 80s hair metal bands and some sort of skinning contest...? Wait, this verse continues? Oh Christ,
But I’m afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There’s no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me
Who the fuck is Henry Lee? Is he referring to Sir Henry Lee of Ditchley, Master of the Ordnance and Queen's Champion under Elizabeth I of England? Maj. Gen. Henry Lee III, early American military and political figure? What the fuck is this guy talking about? I've got to stop here but trust me, the lyrics don't get any better in the second verse and the chorus is schlocky pop radio love bullshit with no sense of creativity or talent or even understanding of what the fuck love even is. Not only is this the worst of 2010 it's quite possibly the worst song of this millenium. Next year, if I do another worst songs list, I highly doubt the number one song will be worse than this one. If you are a fan of Train you should be shot. The band should be shot along with you.
So there you go. I expect to get flak for my inclusion of 'Love The Way You Lie' because of how big of a hit it has been and how so many people have been fooled by that scam artist Rihanna but let me know if you agree, disagree or if I made a glaring omission.
And as a special bonus I'll include my ultimate guilty pleasure song of 2010, the inclusion of which might possibly discredit anything I've written in this entire post:
Yes, I actually like this song. Insult me in the comments section.
